People can develop four different types of attachment styles. One of them is anxious attachment, which is also called worried attachment. It’s marked by a fear of being left alone, a strong need for support, and a dislike of relationships where people are too independent.
You may have an anxious attachment style if you feel insecure, afraid of being turned down, or needy with love partners.
Attachment styles can be shown as secure, anxious, avoidant, or afraid. Clearly marked the educational axis scale with high or low avoidance and anxiety as a factor in the people connection vector.
About 20% of people develop an anxious attachment (Hazan & Shaver, 2017), which starts when they have parents who are uncertain or not sensitive as kids.
Finding out more about yourself and putting in some work can help you feel safer. You can still have healthy, happy relationships even if you have a worried attachment style.
Managing anxious attachment and healing mental wounds is possible with the right tools, even though it can be hard at times.
What Are Attachment Styles?
John Bowlby came up with the idea of attachment that is the basis for attachment styles.
This idea says that our ideas about partnerships are formed when we are children. The first relationships we have with parents or caretakers shape the relationships we have as adults. As adults, these relationships are what can make us feel things like abandoned or stupid.
As time went on, other psychoanalysts built on this idea and came up with the four attachment types we use today:
- Anxious: Adults who have a hard time believing they deserve love
- Avoidant: Adults who are afraid of commitment and don’t want to make it
- Disorganized: Adults who deal with uncertainty and act in unpredictable ways are disorganized.
- Secure: Adults who are open to relationships and have a good opinion about themselves
- Insecure attachment styles are found in people who aren’t securely connected.
All humans display one of these four attachment styles, so what does this mean for you?
How Do The Four Attachment Styles Affect You?
People of all four connection styles have an effect on us. They have an effect on our bodies:
- From the very bottom of our natural (limbic) brain
- Based on the activation of our nerves
- Because of epigenetics in our DNA
- Neurotransmitters are a mix of chemicals
What Causes Anxious Attachment?
People with anxious attachment may have had it since childhood and may still have it as adults. There isn’t always a clear reason why someone might form an anxious connection, but it could be because of one or more of the following:
1. Emotionally Distant Caregivers
A child will not feel safe and stable if a parent or caretaker is not close to them or doesn’t care about their needs.
When kids’ emotional needs aren’t met, especially when they are upset or worried, they are more likely to feel these feelings strongly.
For instance, if as a child your parent never soothed you when you were upset but instead walked away or gave you the silent treatment, this could make you feel more anxious and like you’re not safe with your parent.
This can last a person’s whole life, even in friendships and love relationships where other people don’t give them the comfort they need.
2. Inconsistent Parenting
There are times when parents are supportive and aware of their child’s needs, and other times when they are cold, insensitive, or mentally unavailable.
As an example, when you were a child and angry, your parent comforted you and helped you work through your feelings. But the next time it happened, they ignored you and told you to “get over it.”
The child might get mixed up about their relationship with a caretaker, giving mixed messages.
This can make it hard for the child to figure out what their parent’s actions mean and what kind of answer to expect, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
3. Caregiver’s ‘Emotional Hunger’
This is when adults who are taking care of the child try to get close to them emotionally or physically to meet their own needs. They aren’t taking care of the child’s physical and mental needs because of this.
It may look like these parents are too involved in their child’s life and bother them too much. Instead of loving and caring for their child, they may use the child to meet their own wants.
One example is that your mom wants to be a part of everything you do with your school friends and gets upset when you’re not with her. You choose to spend most of your free time with your mother because she calls you her “best friend in the whole world.” You feel bad when you spend time with other people.
So, the child’s needs aren’t met, and because that’s what they’re used to, they might put the needs of others ahead of their own.
4. Anxious Caregivers
This is probably not because of genetics; instead, it’s because of behavior patterns that have been passed down from generation to generation. Also, if the child with anxious attachment is not helped, they may have anxious attachment in their own children as adults.
For instance, your dad doesn’t like to do things by himself and will get upset if he is left alone. He also likes to be close to other people. Because you think this is normal behavior, you don’t want to do things by yourself either.
Signs Of Anxious Attachment In Adults
It might not always be easy to tell if an adult has a worried attachment style. Here are some important signs:
Clinginess
- Needing constant contact and support from others
- The desire to be told over and over that you are good enough
- Oversensitivity to being turned down and left behind
- Being close to someone, like kissing or holding them, as a way to feel better or calm down
Fear Of Abandonment
- Worried that your partner might leave you (even if there aren’t any real signs of a problem)
- High emotional response when someone isn’t there
Afraid Or Incapable Of Being Alone
People might think that sudden changes in a partner’s behavior or mood are signs that they are falling in love or that they are about to break up.
Being scared or insecure about a partner’s freedom or time apart
Trust Issues
- If you’re afraid of being turned down or thought to be worthless, you might be too dependent or clingy in relationships.
- Feel more jealous or see threats to your relationships even when there aren’t any, which makes you need to be reassured all the time.
- You don’t think your partner will always be loving and helpful, even if they do it all the time.
- Trouble letting down your guard with your partner because you don’t trust them
- Emotional neediness (using other people to feel good about yourself)
- Wanting to be close to someone but being afraid of being emotionally rejected by a partner
- Assuring yourself on a regular basis that you are liked, wanted, and won’t be left alone
- Too reliant on your partner for mental support
- I might think my partner doesn’t want to be with me or wants to be alone when they say they want to be independent.
- Setting and keeping limits is hard for them
Feeling Unworthy
- Self-worth or a negative view of yourself
- Thinking that you don’t deserve your partner and that you’re not good enough to be in a relationship
- You might question why anyone would want to be with you if you doubt your value in a relationship. You might also be afraid that your partner will soon see their “flaws” and leave you.
- You might not want to have honest talks, even about your own needs or feelings, because you are afraid of what will happen or starting a fight.
- You might think too much about your partner’s small actions or words, which could cause you to draw bad conclusions.
- The desire to fix things and make other people happy at your own cost
- A good opinion of other people
- Think about and overthink small things
- Being likely to put the blame on yourself or feel accountable for relationship issues
Tips for overcoming anxious attachment in a healthy relationship
Luckily, someone’s style is easy to change by having a new experience or interacting with a partner who has a background of being securely attached.
Let’s talk about how worry in relationships hurts relationships before we talk about how to get over it. People in an anxious attachment relationship have to deal with feelings of insecurity, worry, dissatisfaction, and jealousy all the time.
When you have an insecure or anxious connection, it can be hard to be happy in a relationship and trust each other.
Getting over anxious attachment is a long process. The best way to get a clear answer to the question “how to get over anxious attachment and leave unhealthy or abusive relationships?” is to get help from a professional as soon as possible.
How to Get Rid of Anxious Attachment
Step 1: Increase Your Awareness
To make your relationships safer, you should first become more aware of your habits. An excellent first step is to write down or make a chart of the exchanges you have with your significant other every day. It will make your designs stand out more.
Consider the actions that make your relationships feel good and those that make them feel bad. When you become more aware of the patterns in your behavior, you will also be more present in the present time.
Step 2: Use Anxiety Management Strategies
The next step is to learn techniques that can help you deal with your worry right now. Techniques for centering, breathing, or moving around are all good ideas.
One thing you might want to try is box breathing. First, breathe in for four counts, hold your breath for four counts, breathe out for four counts, and then hold for another four counts.
Doing some yoga exercises or going for a walk outside are good ways to get rid of stress through movement.
Last but not least, grounding methods use all five senses. The 5-4-3-2-1 method is a great way to help. There are five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
Step 3: Change The Way You Think About Control
When you let go of the need to be in charge all the time, your relationships automatically get better. Keep in mind that you can only control yourself and not other people.
Think more about how to solve problems, make a plan, and carry out that plan when you think about what you can control. You need to learn to accept the things you can’t change. After realizing that you can’t control everything, you can focus on managing your feelings using methods similar to those in step two.
Step 4: Develop Healthy Relationship-Building Skills
Finding a calm balance in your relationship can help you get better at negotiating and compromising as a relationship skill. The relationship can get stronger if you let trust grow and work together with the other person.
When you’re worried about the relationship, try to remember its good points, like what your partner has told you they like about you or the relationship. You can say things like “This relationship is a safe place” or “I’m okay” over and over again to yourself.
Try to come up with words like these when you’re not worried and when you’re sure about the relationship. It can help a lot to write them down and read them to yourself, either alone or aloud, when you’re feeling down.
Conclusion
So, how to calm your anxious attachment style?
You can fix your anxious attachment style, which is good news. Get help, calm down, and take charge of your life. You can also calm your avoidant attachment style, ease your regret and sadness, and fix your issues with being abandoned.
No matter what the problem is, you can always find a way to heal as long as you admit it and work hard to solve it.